Cells have memories… It makes me wonder what my cells remember. They’re probably pretty confused: weight fluctuations, intense workouts, paleo then binging to keto and calorie restriction. My body has seen a lot of transformations and a lot of different states from morbidly obese to skinny fat to athletic. I remember there was a time when I kept wanting to look better and better, and I see now that I had an actual, literal six-pack! When our minds and our bodies are at war it can feel really confusing at times.
Wrong Victory has been one of my favorite songs for many years. When I first heard Lizzy belt “when your skin doesn’t feel like home,” it melded into my mind in such a profound way. So much in fact that when I was getting one of my large tattoos that says “Blood to Bone” (which is a sentiment to do everything I do with everything in my core), I almost got that quote as a subtext (instead I got, “We All Die Trying to Get it Right” — a song for another time!)
This entire song is about self-perception and how we view all the different parts of ourselves. Although there is that physical manifestation especially when we talk about a weight loss story, no story is without the mental and emotional parts as well. I remember losing weight the first time and seeing myself in entirely new ways; the confidence I had – I felt like a brand new person. It’s actually what empowered me to finally come out. Although losing weight required such a physical rigor, it changed me in so many ways for the better in so many other ways.
We can experience a lot of misconception in that process too; wrong victories, not understanding self, and I have experienced that to varying degrees as well. So, with all that experience I have built over the years, as I move forward in this process I am in, I am trying to be realistic, understanding, and mindful. We must keep at ourselves always to keep that understanding as we change over time!
Full Lyrics
Rose colored glasses
They couldn’t shield anything
Golden flames that burn
But couldn’t heal me from within
Disperse the heat
Let the cold sweep in
Burst in languid light
As my head and body spin
When your skin doesn’t feel like home
And I don’t want to break down and feel alone
This body only knows
How to hold back more than it shows
A superstition
That found itself in the way
Of a freed premonition
That could have helped me escape
It’s the wrong kind of victory
Disguised as a breakthrough
It’s hard when nothing
Fits like it used to
When your skin doesn’t feel like home
And I don’t want to break down and feel alone
This body only knows
How to hold back more than it shows
Hairs on my hand
Stand on end
The spine of this truth
Repel and suspend
Act like bars but should help me transcend
Hairs on my hand
Stand on end
The spine of this truth
Like cracks in the wind
Act like bars
But should help me transcend
When your skin doesn’t feel like home
and I don’t want to break down and feel alone
This body only knows
How to hold back more than it shows
